New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
