Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
