so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name