He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.