6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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