i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
