non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
