maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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