there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
