I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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