I wish my penis had an off switch
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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