I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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