i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
