they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
