Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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