my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
