it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
