I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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