Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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