If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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