i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
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i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
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You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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