tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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