Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
