My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
