Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
