When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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