gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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