It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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