i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
