Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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