Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
