U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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