i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
