we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
