I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
