You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
