Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
