well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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