i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
