you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
