i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
