she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress