eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
