I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
