I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
