I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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