Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
