wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
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can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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