It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
