One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
