i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
