Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
