Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
