...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
