I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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