I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
