Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
