I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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