I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
