WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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