i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
