Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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